I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
