i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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