I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
