we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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