do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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