:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
