she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
