Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize