We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
