even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize