wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
