walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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