Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
