listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
