hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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