I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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