i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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