Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
