Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
