I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
