I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
