I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
