I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
