He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
