I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
