No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
