My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
