Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
