you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
