The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You have to summon your inner elephant
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
