I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
