so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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