Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
