he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
