you didnt know i had herpes?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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