i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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