The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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