he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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