just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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