Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She told me I should be a condom model.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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