is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
