i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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