i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
