If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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