you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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