Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
