I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
