Welp...herpes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
