my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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