now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
