dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
im six kinds of drunk right now
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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