She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
