so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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