plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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