bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize