i was born a porn star she said
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
apparently the secret to your success is patron
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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