if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Randomize
